the Joe

1.
One night, a guy, named Guy, after a long night of drinking beer (root) with his friends, woke up after a long  beer (root) induced slumber to find himself in a local park. This was confusing enough, but the worst part was when he realized that not only did his friends drop him off in the local park, alone, but they had also dressed him up to look just like Jesus. Guy had the kind of friends who thought this stuff was funny.

“Oh crumbs’ he mumbled. ‘This just looks stupid”.

However, as he got up groggily and attempted to remove the false beard and robe he had on, he soon realized C things:

A. The beard was glued on, and would not come off easily without a proper shower
B. His wallet, car and house keys, and all his clothes were gone (though he did have a few dollars he found tucked in his sandal).
C. Seeing as to how all he had under his robe were boxers, he ought to just keep his robe on.

He was therefore, stuck, dressed like Jesus, robe, beard and all, and alone in a park. He would have to get himself home the way the Son of God would have…on foot.

2.
Being that a groggy Guy was walking through the large park on a warm, sunny, Sunday afternoon, the park was full of people and families enjoying themselves. Guy was surprised to see people’s reactions to him. No one yelled, “Hey moron!” or, “Nice robe!” all sarcastically. In fact, for the most part, everyone seemed kind of friendlier than normal as he walked by. Little kids arguing about toys, from what he could see out of the corner of his eye, would look up from their bickering to see what they could only interpret in their young minds as the Jesus Christ Himself walking by, then turn to each other, and start sharing and getting along. Mothers with their children in buggies who looked tired and worn out would suddenly look up to see him, then suddenly glance away embarrassed and confused, but, would then turn to smile at him, and then would walk away with more confidence, as though seeing a reminder of Christ helped them love their children more. Guy even swore he saw a bird and a squirrel pecking and scratching at each other over a nut stop their battle as his robed and bearded shadow passed over them (though he did assume that they most likely resumed their fight once he passed).

“This…this is odd” he said a loud to himself.

Then Guy heard someone calling his (kind of) name, “Jesus! Jesus! Hey, Jesus!”

Looking down, Guy saw a young kid tugging at his robe, holding a large red ball with one arm.

“Uh, what is up?’ he asked, then suddenly aware of what he was wearing and what the kid just called him, he added, “My…son?”

“What is the capital of Thailand?” Asked the young boy.

Surprised by the question, Guy took a moment to think of the answer, “Oh…uh, okay…not what I expected…I guess you’re, what? Working on a report? School work, huh? Well, what would He say in this situation, you know, since you think I’m Him and all…uhm…Stay in school! Get good grades or else! Now…uhm, what is the capitol of Thailand…it’s Bangkok, right?”

“That’s right!” shouted the boy as he gleefully proceeded to punch Guy (Or, as the kid referred to him, “Jesus”) in the privates.

As Guy lay there, blinking and trying hard not to cry because of the pain radiating from his crotch while the little boy skipped away, bouncing his red ball and laughing a loud, Guy reminded himself that Jesus would most likely not shout out curse words at the boy. So he just said them under his breath.

3.
Eventually, Guy was able to pull himself up to the nearest park bench where he breathed hard until he stopped seeing spots dancing in front of his eyes. He was just about to begin the rest of his trek when an old man sat down next to him.

“Do you mind?” Asked the old man.

“Uhm…no, I guess not…uhm, Sitteth witheth me, uh, disciple!” (Guy felt silly saying that and just decided to talk like himself from now on).

“You know…something about you makes me think you’d be a good listener.” Said the old man.

“Oh, uh, great, I…” Guy pretended to check his non-existent watch.

And then the Old Man began to talk.

And talk.

And talk.

And at first, Guy wanted to just get up and walk away. He kept trying to interrupt and interject, trying to explain, “The Son of God has places to be and all!” But it soon became plain that the Old Man just wanted to get out what he wanted to get out. And at first, Guy was angry, “How dare he just assume that Guy had nothing better to do than to listen to him talk?” “I mean, I’ve got, uhm…I’ve got…stuff” But Guy slowly began to realize that all he had to do that day was to go home, remove a beard and robes, and sit around his apartment playing video games while his friends laughed at him for the prank. In reality, Guy had nothing but time. And as the Old Man talked, Guy not only resigned to at least pretending to listen, he kind of ended up actually listening, and then, he found he was really listening, and asking questions, and, as time went on, he begin to find that he was probably getting more enjoyment out of listening to the Old Man than the Old Man was getting out of talking himself. It was fascinating stuff, this Old Man’s life story! “Besides,’ thought Guy, ‘what if I get old and run into some guy dressed up in robes myself? Wouldn’t I want him to listen to me?”

After about an hour or so, the Old Man smiled, thanked him, and got up to leave.

“Thanks for listening,’ he said, ‘my kids and Grandkids don’t care much for my stories, and my wife, well…she went home to…well, you know what I mean, don’t you?” (Guy did.) “And,’ Guy thought he saw some tears forming in the corners of his eyes, ‘and, well, it has just been a long time since anyone listened to me.”

“Thank you.” Said Guy. And meant it.

4.
Guy was very excited to find that the parks hot dog vendor was indeed selling (no surprise) hot dogs. As he paid up for one hot dog, he realized to his delight B things:

A. That the Hot Dog vendor either is used to selling hot dogs to guys dressed up like Jesus (Or to the Son of God Himself) because he never even bothered to look up when Guy gave him his order, and Guy did not want to explain his costume.

B. He had more change left over than he thought, which meant that he could order himself a soda to go with his hotdog, and was just about to, until…

He saw the homeless guy sitting on a bench. He did his best to ignore the man, and was about to get himself a soda, when Guy heard himself asking:

“Are you hungry?” (“Please say, ‘No ,’” he thought to himself, riddled with guilt).

“Jesus!” Cried the homeless man, surprised.

“Uhm…yes?” Answered Guy.

“I’m hungry.”

So Guy bought him a hotdog, then continued walking through the park, hoping to meet a water fountain during his travels.

5.
Later, as Guy was continuing his walk, he ran into a little girl crying.

“Why are you crying?” Guy asked.

“My cat is stuck up in the tree!” She said.

“Oh…’ said Guy, “…don’t cats do that on purpose? They come down on their own, right?”

The Little Girl cried louder. So he climbed the tree. Then the he grabbed the cat.

“Got it!” He called.

Then the cat bit him. And scratched him. And all the way down, the cat bit him, scratched him, and even pulled out part of his beard, but Guy didn’t swear, not once, and even managed to smile as he handed the cat over.

“Here you go!” he said, then limped away, rubbing his bloody palms on his robe, just hoping that all the rumors that he had heard about how cats don’t go to heaven were true.

6.
Finally, Guy saw his apartment building, just outside the park. Relieved, he was just crossing the street when he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a red ball bouncing in the way of an oncoming car. Then, he saw the little kid who had punched him in his privates earlier that day running after the ball.

“No!” Cried Guy, and before he realized what he was doing, he dove in front of the car, pushed the kid, and then-

7. …

8.

“Jesus is dead! Jesus is dead!” Was all Guy could hear.

Feeling rather drowsy, Guy pulled himself to his feet.

He had been sitting on a gurney, in a hospital, and looked up to see the little boy whom he had dove in front of a car for and his mother in hysterics.

“Jesus is dead!” She was crying out at the top of her lungs, over and over, “Jesus! Jesus is dead!”

Then, suddenly, seeing Guy standing there, still bearded and in his hospital gown, she gasped, “Jesus has risen! Everyone! The Christ, He has risen!”

Afterwards.
Guy doesn’t dress like Jesus anymore, though he still sometimes wears the robes as pajamas (a strange habit, he knows). He also walks through the park whenever he gets a chance, particularly on warm, sunny, Sundays.

When walking through the park, he does his best to stop by the bench where he talks to The Old Man (his name, Guy later found out, is Peter). Also, he buys the Homeless Man (coincidentally, also named Peter) hot dogs from the hot dog vendor (not named Peter). He avoids cats in trees (As far as Guy is concerned, they went up there for a reason and he is more than happy to let them stay there).

He still talks to the little kid, the one who punched him, and here and there they play kickball together, and the kid has promised to stop chasing wayward balls into streets (he has also promised to stop punching people, and deity’s, in the privates for no reason). Every once in awhile he has dinner at the boys house (whose mother does her best not to refer to Guy as, “Jesus”, though at times, she still does, such as when she asks him things like: “Jesus, more peas?”).

And though Guy does not dress up as Jesus anymore, he still feels as though, when he does the things he did when he was dressed up like Jesus, he still kind of looked like him.

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